Update

Well! I did pretty well today I would say.

Breakfast: Yoplait Light, Raisin Bran Crunch

Lunch: Salad

Snacks: Banana, Orange, Granola Bar

Dinner: Mac n Cheese (okay so that's not the best but it's all about portion right?!?)

AND I'm ignoring the cupcakes sitting on the kitchen counter. Instead it's lemon water for me.

Yup, thus is the life of trying to lose weight. This. is. awesome.

Can you tell I need some encouragement?? :)

I can already tell that I won't keep up with this update EVERY day. It would be far too boring of a post and I just don't see me being that faithful with it. I will keep track somehow though.

I hope you all enjoy your brownies and milk that you're eating right now while you sit on your laptops and enjoy your evening.

I"ll be here.

With my water.

The Goal

Tonight I embark on a new adventure.

The adventure of weight loss.

I was invited by my sister-in-law to a weight-loss challenge of 6 lbs. by Christmas. My plan is to write about my activity and eating during the day as a way to look back and keep track of what I did and if it works! :)

We are all keeping each other accountable and I'm excited to see the results! This is the first time I've had a goal of losing a specific amount by a specific date.

The best part of this is that Christopher has decided to help me. We are getting up tomorrow morning at 6:30 to walk. (Since I canNOT run...) at least not yet. :)

I hear all different kinds of weight loss success stories-some people decide that allowing a little indulgence saves you from going overboard the next time you eat. On the other hand, some people say to totally withdraw yourself from every temptation. I have made the decision to have NO soda and NO sweets.

Now friends, I hope this works, I really do. This is going to be hard, but I really want to see if I can do it. I need encouragement though! Will you help me?

I miss you

I miss hearing you "play" your trombone.

I miss seeing you squish peanut butter and jelly up in milk and eat it with a spoon.

I miss playing Quiddler and waiting FOREVER while you chose just the right word :)

I miss hearing you call grandma "honey-pot"

I miss hearing you play your guitar all of the time.

I miss hearing you try to teach the boys how to sing "When it's Sleepy-Time down south."

I miss looking at your garden with you, and discussing all of the different plants and what your future plans were with the garden.

I miss sharing my favorite peppermints that you always had handy with you.

I miss the trip I took with you, Grandma, Aunt Gee, and Allison, in which you and I were in the back seat laughing and annoying Grandma with asking if we could stop every 30 minutes :)

I miss your Santa hat at Christmas.

I miss your barbershop songs that we would always sing together at the piano.

I miss you giving us a personal tour ~every year~  of your unbelievable Dickens Village that you collected and set up every year.

I miss hearing you pray.

I miss hearing you preach.

I miss sitting in the kitchen with you while you cooked me eggs and toast in the morning - and they had to be perfect ;)

I miss meeting you and Grandma for coffee and toast in the morning.

I miss the celebration dinner you and Grandma had for me when I got my license.

I miss the way that although you had many grandchildren, you always knew how to make all of us individually
feel so special and loved.

I thank you for your sacrifice for our country.

I thank you for leaving such a great heritage for your grandchildren and great grandchildren and so on...

I thank you for loving your wife, and being such an example to us.

I thank you for your love for the Lord.

I thank you for your advice, correction, and investment in us.

I thank you for your love to us.

How is that time has so mindlessly sped to where I am now? When did I stop being the little girl that would climb up on your lap and want to strum on your guitar while you played the correct chords to make me think that I was actually the one making those good tones on the guitar? When did I grow to be a wife and a mom and leave childhood behind me? How is it possible that time has gone this fast and I look now and realize you're gone?

It's still hard to believe, especially when I walk into your house, that you're gone.
You were so young at heart and such a fun and loving person to be around.

But then it seemed that time caught up with us all. I realized for the first time ever that you were actually getting older and things were changing. I realized that I had better get in as many hugs and conversations, and songs I could now, and I did. I really did. And then you were gone.

I miss you, Grandpa. Sometimes it's extremely painful and one of those nights is tonight. I'm watching basketball in Kansas and remember various conversations about Bill Self and what a good team KU is but how your first pick to win would be Illinois. I remember a few days before you died, you telling me to tell Chris to still cheer for KU and talking yet again about Bill Self being your favorite coach.

Time goes too fast, that's for sure.

I'm so thankful I will see you again, Grandpa .... until then I have a pretty big supply of memories that I borrow from everyday and save the special stash for nights like this when I miss you so very very much.

Sickness makes the heart grow fonder....

Okay....maybe not.

But it definitely lets you cuddle with your kiddos more!

Connor has bad congestion, a cough, and is just all-around miserable. It's terrible for the little fella. I noticed though, last night when he woke up in the night from all of the congestion and we were snuggling in bed (which we hardly EvEr do!) , how nice it was just to feel his little blonde head on my shoulder with his little sniffles and to hear his little raspy voice say "mama" over and over again.

Connor is such a sweet boy, but as he gets older I've noticed that cuddling just isn't the most favorite thing to do anymore. I then settled back into bed and held on even just a little bit tighter.

I was so tired..We have been trying to get moved in and settled in my parent's house before we head to Kansas next week. Nevertheless, comforting a sick baby, as all of you mama's know, never gets overlooked. Somehow all of your weariness (maybe not ALL ;) gets pushed aside while you comfort your "eedle" one.

Today he's just walked around and played, but we've gotten in a lot more snuggle time because of his feeling puny. I wish I could just hold onto these memories and stick them in a bottle,  never to be forgotten, as my little guy grows up.

Even though it maybe means sleepless nights, a whiny baby, and maybe less time for getting things done around the house---I'll definitely take the extra time for snuggling and sweet kisses...

Kampuchea- Home Sweet Home :)

Today I write to you, my blog friends from my future home. A place that is not quite yet home to me, but will become so in a few years or so.

If I may, I would ask that each of you take your mind from where you are sitting to a place far away. A very hot and rainy place. A place that is entirely different from where you comfortably rest in your cozy home. Journey with me to a place where life is simple. Where all you have depends on how much you sell that day.To homes underwater because of rainy season and extreme flooding--to Cambodia.

 This country is so different. Not just different faces, and a different language, but EVERY aspect of people's lives is so different than those in America. I won't go into much explanation because I never want to seem like I am looking down on the Khmer people because they are different. Making that clear, it was a shock to me to see the lifestyle here.

Toilets are a luxury.
Why use water that you have to pay for when there are puddles outside to take a bath in?
Diapers on babies are gross. (That one really amuses me ;)
Personal property and privacy--what a notion!

These are just some of the differences that differ Khmer people from the American people. I suffered such culture schock the first night we arrived. It didn't help that I was 24 hours out of sleep and that I was away from my sweet baby boy.

Trash is commonplace here. Sometimes it is just piled up outside of homes or stores. People stare at us and our white skin. The price of everything goes up here - for us. We are American and that means we're rich.

The first few days were a struggle. My dear new friend, Sopiep is allowing us to stay with her at the Ruppel's house and that has been a life-saver. We have had so much fun. She has taught me Khmer words and explained to me a lot about the culture here.

Though there are so many differences, much more is the same than one would think. We all have families that we love dearly. We all have friends that we like to go shopping and eat with. We all suffer heartache when a loved one has passed on, or when disaster strikes, but the clearest similarity of all is that- we ALL are in need of a Savior. We all are the same in God's eyes in that aspect.

When God sent His son to die for the world, was it just for you and me, friends? I dare not think so. He came for the woman living out in the rice field. He came for the mother raising 2 children alone. He came for the dying old man in a lonely room somewhere. We do not pick and choose who the Lord wants to come to Him. He came for the world, and every single person in this world.

Our coming here has nothing to do with whether these people are different than us or not, but it has EVERYthing to do with our purpose here on this earth.

Those of us who are born-again Christians have a responsibility to tell the world the greatest message of all.

It is not for me to decide where I will serve. It is not for me to decide what my life will entail. The Lord will protect and provide. We are here on His errand, and He will take care of His servants. 

I do not pretend that every step of this process will be easy. We are leaving family, friends, and everything that we know to come to a place that is completely foreign in mind and culture.I am human, I have fears and mountains that seem impossible to climb, but that is when the Lord has opportunity to make Himself real to me and my family.

My husband and I are not great people, we do not pretend to be more than what we are, but we do want to be used of God. This is what God has called us to do, and so who can be against us?

I have met so many Khmer people who have already become dear friends to me, and I know will just love Connor. We will be taken care of, I have no doubt. There are western things here to avert home-sickness a little, and I am prepared to make this my home. I already love the people so much and look forward to our ministry here.

I think it is the neatest thing to think that my kids will be bi-lingual and will be making lasting friendships with Khmer kids their age.

Our home will be our haven. It'll be our little piece of our America in Cambodia. We are both so close to our families, and that will probably be the greatest struggle of all (being completely honest), but I have confidence that the Lord will work everything out. I'm so thankful for Skype, cell phones, the internet, and airplanes. :)

I wanted to write a little bit about what was going on in my heart and I hope that it was a blessing.
We definitely need prayer. There will be I'm sure hard things and hard times, but to know that people are praying for us and thinking of us is priceless.   

What is the Lord calling you to do? I promise, whatever it is- there is complete joy and satisfaction when you follow His leading in your life.

Hospital Memories

Tonight I find myself on the couch, joined by my husband sleeping on the other end, ice water with lemon on the coffee table and an exhausted but not disparaged body and mind.

Our life is so different than 3 weeks ago. Sometimes it just hits me like a hard blow when I sit and think about all that has transpired in our lives in which seems like the blink of an eye. God has been so good. He has been my comfort when no one else could be. When I couldn't voice what I was thinking to anyone else, He already knew.  What a testament to His grace that I can now share with others because of last week.

I remember sitting in the waiting room, enduring what seemed like an eternity but yet was only about 3 1/2 hrs. Ann had come to sit with me after dropping the baby off with my good friend, Sarah. We walked around part of the time trying to make time pass by a little more quickly. We went outside, talked, looked at pictures, and the whole time I could not let my mind rest. Not until I saw my husband. Every time the back door opened into the waiting room I hoped it was for me.

1:00 finally came and Dr. (Marcella) Greene  (whom I kept mistaking as Marigold) arrived in the waiting room. Ann and I went in the hallway as the surgeon assured us of how well the surgery went. Hearing the news almost immediately brought tears to my eyes because of the relief. I was embarrassed. I hate crying in front of people when I can't explain, and there I was - blubbering away.

Next on my agenda- seeing my sweetheart. Next on the hospital staff's agenda- MORE waiting. We were told we could not see Chris until he was out of recovery which was going to be at least 30- 1 hr. We were told his room assignment and off we went. I remember I had no appetite - in fact, quite the opposite. I didn't want to do anything else but see my cancer-free patient :)

People called- I didn't answer. I felt selfish and maybe I was. I was feeling a little numb.

At 2:00 I saw a bed wheeled into the room with my Christopher lying down on it. I remember he looked green. (His mom told me that Bob -his dad- had always looked green after anesthesia) He was sweating, and had a long slit along the bottom of his throat. I teared up as I went over to him and kissed his forehead. I immediately started asking what he needed and what I could do for him.

I remember how sleepy he was. He told us that he was SO hot and his throat hurt. I think I remember him seeming irritated at the pain.  I remember his nurses- one whom I noticed all of the other nurses calling Miss Julie; a sweet, sunny, southern belle. The other was Kyla who was experiencing her first day as an RN. She was so kind. She asked me how long we had been married and then told me she had just gotten married 3 months ago. They were just the best. Nurses really determine your experience at the hospital, and I think God knew that I would need overly nice ones.

The rest of the day just kind of dragged on by. Chris went in and out of sleep and tried to stay comfortable. The anesthesia made him so sick. By the end of the day, he had vomited 4 times. I can't even imagine the pain of having a slit in my throat and having to throw up on top of that! I felt so bad for him and tried to be the best nurse I could be. I remember I didn't make it through the first throw up. I had to run for it ( way down the hall where I was out of ear-shot) Good thing his mom was still there.

Ann left around 5:30 and to get Connor and pick up fries and a milkshake for me. I wasn't sure I was hungry, but a milkshake sounded pretty good. When I got back up to the room, to eat my "dinner" Chris got sick again. I didn't have the choice to run for it. He needed me- he needed me to rub his forehead with a warm washcloth and hold a towel under him to avoid any excessive mess.

Maybe that's all it takes to cure one of doing what was previously thought to be impossible. To realize that someone else's needs are more important than your being comfortable. I endured it and I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. After that, I didn't have any appetite, so I drank about 3 sips of the milkshakes and hardly touched the fries.

As the day got darker and the night came I sat in the room on the couch watching my husband. I posted some pictures on the computer and tried to read news and watch TV, but that only lasted so long. I went to Chris' bedside every time I saw his head move and his eyes open to care for whatever he needed. I remember one instance in particular when he seemed uncomfortable and I kept asking him questions to which he finally replied in a raspy voice " I think I just want to be left alone for a little while." I won't lie- it hurt my feelings, but he didn't mean to and I knew it. I went back to the couch for a little while, my eyes continually growing more sleepy and my body more weary. I still hadn't called anyone back so I ventured out into the hallway for some fresh air. (If you can get fresh air in a hospital) I called my friend Nikki in VA and while talking about pretty much nothing, I just broke down.

I had been in the room too long, I think. It hurt me to see how badly Chris was hurting and it aggravated me that I didn't know what to do for him. I wanted to read his brain but I couldn't. I wanted to know when he was going to smile at me and be able to talk with me. I wanted to help, but was helpless.

A few minutes after I hung up with her and was walking back to the room, I got a call from Ashley (another good friend) asking me which hospital I was at and telling me she was coming to see me. I connected the dots and realized Nikki had sent her because she couldn't come herself. Ashley had just gotten off of work and after a long day there still came up to be with me. She and Johnny (her husband) arrived with Subway, drinks, smiles, and hugs. We sat in the waiting room for a bit until Chris called and said he wanted to see them too.
This was the first time that Chris had really talked the entire day!

I was overwhelmed with happiness. His eyes were more alert and he was tired but it was wonderful to see a little glimpse of the old Christopher back. We sat in the room and talked together until Chris' dose of percocet kicked in and he was sleepy again.

We prayed together- the sweetest prayer- asking the Lord to uphold Chris and help him heal quickly. I was so thankful for these friends that night. As we walked out of the hospital into the night air, and said our goodbyes, I realized how tired I was. So tired that I became a little scared about driving home. I called Ann to tell her I was on my way and then called my sister. It got me home.

The next day I woke up at 6:30 and was at the hospital by 7:30 just in time to see the surgeon. She told us that Chris' calcium levels were right on track and that he could go home. As the hospital discharge routine started, we started preparing Chris to go home. I remember he felt immediately better when he finally got out of his bed. He slowly dressed and after that even walked down to the cafeteria with me so that I could get some coffee.

I think the nurses were a little nervous to give him that permission, but they did - telling me to be sure to stand close on the elevators as sometimes they can give people who are recovering from surgery a funny feeling. ( I kind of laughed to myself thinking how ironic it was that I was the one having to help him on the elevator- usually it's the other way around! I hate elevators...)

We were on our way by 9:45. I was so relieved to be walking in our front door. Chris was so happy to see Connor again and it was a sweet reunion.

I say all of that but would be remiss in not mentioning how thankful I was during that time to have loving family and caring friends. So many people were praying for me, were offering anything could to me, and were helping me. Chris' mom took care of us. She helped with Connor, made us food, and did really whatever was needed, I was so glad to have her here. My sweet friends from in town and all over the country made sure I knew they loved us. And most of all, I realized yet again through a little video that my sister-in-law shared with me how much God loves ME and the little tokens He gave to show more of His love to me.

Tears are coming down my cheeks as I think about how blessed we are. I have no idea what lies in store for tomorrow, but I do know that whatever it is, I must never get my eyes off of that fact.

The fact that I am blessed.

The Beginning of the End

The past week has been a bit of a blur...a few days after I wrote last we went for a visit to the surgeon and found out more about Chris' condition and more options we may have. Because of our trip to Cambodia in a little over 3 1/2 weeks there were many questions, concerns, and information that needed to be conveyed. The whole appointment took probably less than 30 minutes. 

Those 30 minutes were very overwhelming. The surgeon proceeded to tell us the tentative schedule for surgery and the processes afterward. She told us that she will remove the right lobe of Chris' thyroid first - then while Chris is still out, she will have a pathologist look at it, verify that it's cancerous, and after it is verified proceed to take the entire thyroid out. 

She went on to explain the risks of the surgery: low calcium levels, possibly hurting the vocal chords, which would result in hoarseness or possibly loss of vocal ability. There is also possibility of infection anytime a surgery takes place. OF course, they have to tell you everything that could POSSIBLY happen, so I shouldn't have been surprised. We went ahead and scheduled the big day for Tuesday morning. 

The rest of the week whizzed by with a day at the fair, Chris' birthday, his mom's arrival, and before we knew it, Tuesday was here- our alarm rang this morning at 5:30 AM. 

I just got back from the room I was in with Chris- he is presently being wheeled into surgery and I am presently just trying to make it through these next 3 hours (at least)  without him. While the nurses were getting him prep'd for surgery his blood pressure was a little high, so he was given some relaxation meds. As they started administering the medication through the IV he looked at the nurse and said, "WOW. How fast does this stuff work?" To which the nurse responded with a smile, "Very quickly".  My dad and I chuckled as Chris leaned his head back on the pillow and said " I feel really good right now." I just patted his arm and told him I was happy that he did. I won't disclose too much of what Chris said back there for risk of embarrassing of him, but let's just say I'm pretty positive that he was at peace with the world at that moment :). 

I read a few of our favorite Bible verses to him, and before I knew it the circulation nurse (who will be with him in surgery) and the anesthesiologist were there to take him away. I kissed him and walked quietly back to my seat in the waiting room. 

I am fine. And to my surprise, not one tear has entered my eyes. Maybe I've already cried to all the tears I can, or maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. Either way, the Lord is with me. The Lord is with Chris, and he will protect him. 

I look around and see people, people who I don't know from Adam. People that I have no idea what they're going through or who they have back in surgery at this moment. I hear a TV but have NO desire to watch it. 

My sweet dad has left to go pack the trailer for moving, and Ann just got here to be with me. 

Now- I wait...

Our part in His perfect plan

Cancer: An abnormal growth of cells which tend to proliferate in an uncontrolled way and, in some cases, to metastasize (spread)

This word- this condition- this disease- THIS is what stunned, dumbfounded, and devastated us at about 4:00 Friday afternoon. I had called Christopher earlier on Friday morning to find out if the doctor had called. After hearing that he hadn't and worried that the doctor would've left early because of the holiday weekend, I called the doctor myself which resulted in speaking to his machine. 

I forced myself to wait. I cleaned. I did dishes. I read to Connor. I swept the bathroom. I did a load of laundry. And somewhere in the hustle and bustle of keeping busy, I found time to sit on the couch for just a minute after laying the baby down, and woke up 30 minutes later to my phone vibrating with a call from my husband. 

His voice being a bit raspy from what I knew then to be a sinus infection came on the line, and said "Hey, honey" 

"Hello! Did you hear yet from the doctor?"

"Um..yes."

"...."

"Well... He told me I have cancer. Thyroid Cancer."

*silence* 

"Are you there?" 

"Yes, I'm here..I'm sorry, did you say cancer? Are you serious?"

"Yes"

Chris then went on to explain a few different things that the doctor had told him, which wasn't much because he had been too shocked to write anything down.  I'm not sure how you're supposed to grab a pen and a notepad after being told you've got cancer. At that point, at least from what Chris explained the body feels a bit numb. 

I. was. stunned.

 Chris told me that he was going to call his mom, and I muttered something to the effect of an okay and I'll see you when you get home. It's shameful to say that all of the replies that you'd suppose you have, if you've ever imagined this situation all fly out the door when the statement becomes a reality. I hung up and sat on the couch staring at my phone, snuggled up in our white afghan, with a blank stare. 

I didn't know who to call or what to do first. The next number I dialed (which I guess is an automatic one for me) was my mom. By the time she answered the tears had begun to flow. 

"Chris has cancer, mom" "Thyroid cancer" - a statement that I never imagined saying in my entire life.

After I hung up with her, the day buzzed by. Chris came home, we started hearing from friends, all the while the whole situation feeling a bit surreal. 

How do you react when you find out cancer has invaded your life? How do you act normal, trying to separate yesterday when all was normal from today when you're battling cancer? How do you carry the burden of what you carry now and what you'll have to carry in the future? How do you deal with this terrible word that has unexpectedly jolted our world as we know it.

YOU don't. GOD does. 

This small little bump on Chris thyroid that has proved to be a very real and dangerous enemy was NOT a surprise to God. He was NOT surprised that this 25 year old man with a wife and a son, and plans to leave for the mission field had the biopsy come to him positive for cancer. He is NOT worried, He is NOT shocked by this trial. He IS feeling what we're going through right this very moment. He IS going through this trial with us, and He IS bearing our burden for us. You see, THIS is why God became a man so many years ago.

 This is why He sent His Son to live on this earth. It was not because He was just a good man. It was because our God had to become a man to die for our sins. So Jesus, the Son of God, was born. He lived a sinless life, but yet endured human sorrows and afflictions. After all what was the purpose of God sending His son to this earth to suffer and die if there was another way we (as sinners) could reach Heaven?

No, my friends. There is no other reason. His reason was us. A people that had chosen to reject God from the beginning of time. We were the reason that God sent His only begotten Son to die. 

But that is not the end of the story. The Bible tells us that on the third day, Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and lives for EVER more. He tasted and defeated death. FOR you and me! He loves us that much.

This is why Chris and I are not fretting. Of course we feel anxious about what the future holds, and uneasy at times. But the Lord is with us. He is bigger than this cancer.  We do not feel alone. We're not putting our trust in the doctor's hands, we are not leaning on people to get us through this. We are putting our faith and trust in the ONE who formed our lives in the beginning. The ONE who has a divine plan for our lives as His children, and the ONE who is already at the end of this trial. 

God loves Christopher more than anyone else in this world loves him. The Bible tells us that Jesus "ever liveth to make intercession for us" He is praying for him. He tastes what we're going through. He feels our pain, and He is the ONE that will be praised through this trial.

We're not sure why God allowed this to happen. But, His way is perfect. His plan for our lives is perfect. We don't always have to understand everything that happens. But, we do know that since He does know and cares for us more than any other, that there must be some greater reason for this trial that our minds can't conceive right now. The wonderful thing is that we can trust Him with this. We can trust Him with our lives. He has proven Himself over and over again to us.  He endured the pain of this world, so He could carry His children through the hardships of life. He cried, He felt pain, He felt rejection, He passed through the valley of the shadow of death. He KNOWS  and FEELS what we're going through.

Do you know this Great Physician? He loves you so much that He died for you to forgive your sins. If you could get to Heaven any other way then why did a Holy God have to send His perfect Son to the earth to be crucified? He has paid your way to Heaven. Have you prayed and asked Him to forgive your sin and come into your heart? Have you received His free gift? 

O, how He wants you to. How He loves you. The sweet peace that fills your life, when you let the Lord enter your life is unexplainable. He will change you. He has me. 

Isa 53:4-7 

" Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 

  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. 

 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. "

Heb 4:15 

 "For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin." 

2 Cor. 12:9  

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

This cancer - for now - is our part in His perfect plan

 

This was the day the Lord made..

1:00 AM was the start of my day as it meshed in with the end of yesterday. I didn't expect to have such a hard time sleeping last night but alas, the bags under my eyes prove it to be true. Maybe it was the anxiety over Christopher's tests today, maybe it was the trains that kept coming and going through town, maybe it's my infinite (or so it seems) list of to-do's before we move, or maybe I'm not immune to caffeine as I have suspected. Regardless, having tired eyes and not being able to put your body to sleep is not fun.

As I was shutting my eyes, the alarm rings to bring in the new day. I struggle to get out of bed, wipe my sand-papery eyes, and turn on the coffee pot. I so desperately wanted to grab my pillow and snuggle back into bed in order to shut the rest of the world out for at least 30 more minutes. Didn't happen. 

I realized that time was marching forward and I was not.

I was irritated that I had to sit in a germy, cold waiting room for who knew how long with a 13 month old who has recently found greater independence with walking, and is no longer content to just sit with mom and eat cheerios. 

I walked into Connor's room to wake him and was greeted with a smell that is completely distasteful at any time- but ESPECIALLY morning. As I reached to change him, I was greeted by my sweet boy's morning, tired, just-for-mom smile. My heart melted , for a moment, and then I was back to the grindstone.

The morning wisped by with another dirty diaper, a bowl of oatmeal, packing the diaper bag, doing something with my hair to make it presentable, all the while trying to encourage my hubby who was not doing too well anticipating this test. Who would? 

We made in the car with 20 minutes to go until he had to be at his appointment on the 2nd floor of the hospital. 

The stress started building as we were still waiting to get on the interstate 10 minutes later. Neither of us are speaking, but know exactly what the other one is thinking. (Marriage is great that way :) 

A parking space and 3 dollars later we found ourselves at the receptionist's desk who seemed to not have Chris on her list of patients for the day. 

We both looked at each other with a half-smile, and at that moment I just told myself to breathe. Finally a nice man told the receptionist over the phone that he was expecting us. The relief was huge! This hospital is not exactly a hop, skip and jump away from our home, so it was nice that we didn't have to make the trip over again. 

As they get Chris checked in, Connor stared at him and cried for him all the way down the hall as daddy walked away. They're buds. This was cute also, but still not enough for me to completely relax.

I know what you're probably thinking- she has one kid and she's getting stressed out over sitting in a waiting room??- Well, yes, I definitely was. 

I was nervous about other people in the waiting room, because as everyone knows, Connor isn't exactly the quietiest baby on the block. He loves to be heard-----by everyone. 

I don't like hospitals anyway- never have. I have this subconscious fear of doctor's offices, medical facilities or I hate to say it- doctor's themselves. As I have grown older, I can control it more, but the fear is still somewhat there. 

Connor started complaining to me, very vocally just about 5 minutes after Chris walked back so I reached into my bag and realized I had forgotten ANY type of snacks or Connor's sippy cup. How does this happen?? I guess that's me for ya! 

I started to panic. It was silly of me, and I should've just thought about the fact that it's a hospital which means cafeteria, and vending machines. But, that's what happens when trying to run on a few hour's sleep. 

After the 10th time of pulling Connor over to me, trying to get him interested in something besides the dirty hospital floor, and keeping him from pulling all of the plastic leaves off the fake tree, I was very near to bawling.

That's when it happened- the Lord pricked my heart right then about my bad attitude. I started to look around me and see people. People. People with bigger problems than my son wanting to play with a fake tree. Bigger problems than a husband having a biopsy on a nodule on his thyroid.
I'm not denying that this was a very scary situation, and it definitely would've made it easier to not have Connor at the moment, but the Lord was showing me something. 

A lady with a limp walked in about midway through my crisis and sat next to us. I saw her smile at Connor many times and show more interest then just the casual passer-by. She would hold out her hands as he would walk her direction and then he would decide to come to me.  I would sigh with relief every time he would choose me. After all, how do I know where this woman's been? I don't want her touching MY son! But shortly after these snobby thought subsided, I began to talk to the woman. I found out that she was waiting for an x-ray on her leg for a gunshot wound. As I listened to her talk about her family and realized how broken-hearted she was, I was convicted.

All my petty problems slowly began to dissipate, one by one, as I listened to this woman talk. O sure, Connor was still terrorizing the waiting room, but I suddenly had more patience with him. I realized how blessed I was to have a healthy son , whose family loves him, and is even around for him to get to know as he grows older. I suddenly am thankful, that no matter what the test results say that I have a husband who has been healthy thus far and is not dying with an incurable disease. 

But most of all, my thoughts are directed to my Lord. Without Him, where would I be? What would I have without Him? and what in the world do people do without the sweet peace of the Savior?  You see, I may have troubles and trials on this earth; there may be mountains that arise that I think are unpassable, but the truth is I have a Heavenly Father who created this world. Who created each and every one of us individually in His image and for His glory. The God that controls the universe, who holds it in his hands- this God- the only God is my Heavenly Father. Nothing comes as a shock to Him, from something so big as what's happening in our world today down to something so small as a forgotten sippy cup. 

What was I doing to show the Savior's love at the hospital today? Griping and complaining about sitting in a waiting room for over an hour? Fake-smiling at everyone on the outside but grumbling about my son on the inside? I've found that people can read you a lot more clearly than you think they can. 

I immediately reached for Connor and placed him in this dear lady's lap and let them sit together until she had to go back. I smiled looking on at the situation, and sit now on my comfy couch, thinking how silly I was this morning. Life is so much bigger than little annoyances, but it's through these little things that the Lord seems to show Himself the most. 

Today was the day I learned a little bit more about patience with my little one. Today was the day that I realized, yet again, that my problems are so tiny compared to some people's. Today was the day I would hope that I was an encouragement to a sweet lady who was such an encouragement to me. And most of all:  THIS was the day the Lord made, and at the end of it, I rejoiced and was GLAD in it. 

The Naming of the Blog

I hate when I read blogs and the titles are obscure and hard to understand. With that thought in mind, I realize that although mine seems relatively simple I wanted to make sure my meaning was clear.
I chose this name out of my love for being a stay-at-home mom and my desire to be the wife, mom, and individual that I was created to be. However, I need a constant reminder, that, although I may strive and read all of the how-to books and gather ideas from different moms, no remedy will work without the most important ingredient. You see, the Bible says that God is the true Maker of the Home and without Him being the preeminence "they labor in vain that build it." It is tempting to fall into the trap of reading all of the parenting magazines and every self-help book that's out there and thinking "although that last plan didn't work; this one's gotta be the one!" and just knowing that this article is going to make your parenting a success, but the surest thing of all is the Bible. God loves my family even more than I do, and as we seek to honor Christ in our Home, we can trust Him with the rest. We are not letting God strive along with us to build our home- we are striving along with Him as HE builds our home and makes it what it ought to be.

Connor's First Year

Connor Judson; born at 5:31 p.m, weighing in at 6 lbs. 12 oz. and measuring 21 in. long. 

Oh how our lives were changed forever.

 The sudden fear of anyone at all besides us touching our little bundle. The helplessness when we held our fragile baby for the first time and wondered how we were ever going to manage such a huge responsibility. The insecurities of being a parent for the first time. Enduring everyone's persistent suggestions and comments, yet loving all the attention a new baby brings. Thinking that we knew every bit of what it means to raise this little person up to a well-standing gentleman, and realizing as time goes on that we know virtually nothing. Soaking in every touch and "coo" sound that our baby- our very own- baby gives us. Laughing at the quirky things we do and endure just because "we're parents now." 

Yes, Connor Judson, you are the best gift from Heaven that God could have ever given us and such a joy to have as our first little addition. I remember the first time I watched you scoop up enough strength to hold your tiny head up all by yourself, and wondered to myself how long it would be until you scooted, or crawled , or took your first steps on your own. It seemed like only a few days between all of those milestones that passed. Your personality was evident pretty early on. You have shocked us many times with your stubbornness, your curiosity, and  silly sense of humor that peeks its head and the funniest of times. You LoVe to eat (perhaps more than some at your age) and to have your cup of milk handy. Fig Newtons seem to be your favorite snack right now. I really believe you are going to be an avid reader and have the brightest of imaginations. Just today you sat by your basket of books and looked at them for 30 minutes! You jibber jabber all day, keeping me company while I do things around the house. You love to be heard and if you ever sense that you're not, you get louder. A lot louder :) You're favorite word is "uh-oh", but you also say "mom, dad, eya (yellow), ayo (hello), I ya ya ( I love you) and bye. I'm sure you are saying a lot more in your little head but that is as much as I can translate. Walking has taken precedence over crawling now, and your favorite toy is the orange soccer ball from your Uncle Jason, Aunt Melody, and your cousins. Stubbornness rears its ugly head daily now in our home, but you're always up for a hug and good cuddling with mom after the battle is fought. 

We love you Connor- more than we ever knew was possible. We pray for you everyday that you will come to know Christ at a very early age and that you will serve Him with your whole heart. To Dad and I you're our "Middo Man" and probably always will be.