Hospital Memories

Tonight I find myself on the couch, joined by my husband sleeping on the other end, ice water with lemon on the coffee table and an exhausted but not disparaged body and mind.

Our life is so different than 3 weeks ago. Sometimes it just hits me like a hard blow when I sit and think about all that has transpired in our lives in which seems like the blink of an eye. God has been so good. He has been my comfort when no one else could be. When I couldn't voice what I was thinking to anyone else, He already knew.  What a testament to His grace that I can now share with others because of last week.

I remember sitting in the waiting room, enduring what seemed like an eternity but yet was only about 3 1/2 hrs. Ann had come to sit with me after dropping the baby off with my good friend, Sarah. We walked around part of the time trying to make time pass by a little more quickly. We went outside, talked, looked at pictures, and the whole time I could not let my mind rest. Not until I saw my husband. Every time the back door opened into the waiting room I hoped it was for me.

1:00 finally came and Dr. (Marcella) Greene  (whom I kept mistaking as Marigold) arrived in the waiting room. Ann and I went in the hallway as the surgeon assured us of how well the surgery went. Hearing the news almost immediately brought tears to my eyes because of the relief. I was embarrassed. I hate crying in front of people when I can't explain, and there I was - blubbering away.

Next on my agenda- seeing my sweetheart. Next on the hospital staff's agenda- MORE waiting. We were told we could not see Chris until he was out of recovery which was going to be at least 30- 1 hr. We were told his room assignment and off we went. I remember I had no appetite - in fact, quite the opposite. I didn't want to do anything else but see my cancer-free patient :)

People called- I didn't answer. I felt selfish and maybe I was. I was feeling a little numb.

At 2:00 I saw a bed wheeled into the room with my Christopher lying down on it. I remember he looked green. (His mom told me that Bob -his dad- had always looked green after anesthesia) He was sweating, and had a long slit along the bottom of his throat. I teared up as I went over to him and kissed his forehead. I immediately started asking what he needed and what I could do for him.

I remember how sleepy he was. He told us that he was SO hot and his throat hurt. I think I remember him seeming irritated at the pain.  I remember his nurses- one whom I noticed all of the other nurses calling Miss Julie; a sweet, sunny, southern belle. The other was Kyla who was experiencing her first day as an RN. She was so kind. She asked me how long we had been married and then told me she had just gotten married 3 months ago. They were just the best. Nurses really determine your experience at the hospital, and I think God knew that I would need overly nice ones.

The rest of the day just kind of dragged on by. Chris went in and out of sleep and tried to stay comfortable. The anesthesia made him so sick. By the end of the day, he had vomited 4 times. I can't even imagine the pain of having a slit in my throat and having to throw up on top of that! I felt so bad for him and tried to be the best nurse I could be. I remember I didn't make it through the first throw up. I had to run for it ( way down the hall where I was out of ear-shot) Good thing his mom was still there.

Ann left around 5:30 and to get Connor and pick up fries and a milkshake for me. I wasn't sure I was hungry, but a milkshake sounded pretty good. When I got back up to the room, to eat my "dinner" Chris got sick again. I didn't have the choice to run for it. He needed me- he needed me to rub his forehead with a warm washcloth and hold a towel under him to avoid any excessive mess.

Maybe that's all it takes to cure one of doing what was previously thought to be impossible. To realize that someone else's needs are more important than your being comfortable. I endured it and I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. After that, I didn't have any appetite, so I drank about 3 sips of the milkshakes and hardly touched the fries.

As the day got darker and the night came I sat in the room on the couch watching my husband. I posted some pictures on the computer and tried to read news and watch TV, but that only lasted so long. I went to Chris' bedside every time I saw his head move and his eyes open to care for whatever he needed. I remember one instance in particular when he seemed uncomfortable and I kept asking him questions to which he finally replied in a raspy voice " I think I just want to be left alone for a little while." I won't lie- it hurt my feelings, but he didn't mean to and I knew it. I went back to the couch for a little while, my eyes continually growing more sleepy and my body more weary. I still hadn't called anyone back so I ventured out into the hallway for some fresh air. (If you can get fresh air in a hospital) I called my friend Nikki in VA and while talking about pretty much nothing, I just broke down.

I had been in the room too long, I think. It hurt me to see how badly Chris was hurting and it aggravated me that I didn't know what to do for him. I wanted to read his brain but I couldn't. I wanted to know when he was going to smile at me and be able to talk with me. I wanted to help, but was helpless.

A few minutes after I hung up with her and was walking back to the room, I got a call from Ashley (another good friend) asking me which hospital I was at and telling me she was coming to see me. I connected the dots and realized Nikki had sent her because she couldn't come herself. Ashley had just gotten off of work and after a long day there still came up to be with me. She and Johnny (her husband) arrived with Subway, drinks, smiles, and hugs. We sat in the waiting room for a bit until Chris called and said he wanted to see them too.
This was the first time that Chris had really talked the entire day!

I was overwhelmed with happiness. His eyes were more alert and he was tired but it was wonderful to see a little glimpse of the old Christopher back. We sat in the room and talked together until Chris' dose of percocet kicked in and he was sleepy again.

We prayed together- the sweetest prayer- asking the Lord to uphold Chris and help him heal quickly. I was so thankful for these friends that night. As we walked out of the hospital into the night air, and said our goodbyes, I realized how tired I was. So tired that I became a little scared about driving home. I called Ann to tell her I was on my way and then called my sister. It got me home.

The next day I woke up at 6:30 and was at the hospital by 7:30 just in time to see the surgeon. She told us that Chris' calcium levels were right on track and that he could go home. As the hospital discharge routine started, we started preparing Chris to go home. I remember he felt immediately better when he finally got out of his bed. He slowly dressed and after that even walked down to the cafeteria with me so that I could get some coffee.

I think the nurses were a little nervous to give him that permission, but they did - telling me to be sure to stand close on the elevators as sometimes they can give people who are recovering from surgery a funny feeling. ( I kind of laughed to myself thinking how ironic it was that I was the one having to help him on the elevator- usually it's the other way around! I hate elevators...)

We were on our way by 9:45. I was so relieved to be walking in our front door. Chris was so happy to see Connor again and it was a sweet reunion.

I say all of that but would be remiss in not mentioning how thankful I was during that time to have loving family and caring friends. So many people were praying for me, were offering anything could to me, and were helping me. Chris' mom took care of us. She helped with Connor, made us food, and did really whatever was needed, I was so glad to have her here. My sweet friends from in town and all over the country made sure I knew they loved us. And most of all, I realized yet again through a little video that my sister-in-law shared with me how much God loves ME and the little tokens He gave to show more of His love to me.

Tears are coming down my cheeks as I think about how blessed we are. I have no idea what lies in store for tomorrow, but I do know that whatever it is, I must never get my eyes off of that fact.

The fact that I am blessed.

The Beginning of the End

The past week has been a bit of a blur...a few days after I wrote last we went for a visit to the surgeon and found out more about Chris' condition and more options we may have. Because of our trip to Cambodia in a little over 3 1/2 weeks there were many questions, concerns, and information that needed to be conveyed. The whole appointment took probably less than 30 minutes. 

Those 30 minutes were very overwhelming. The surgeon proceeded to tell us the tentative schedule for surgery and the processes afterward. She told us that she will remove the right lobe of Chris' thyroid first - then while Chris is still out, she will have a pathologist look at it, verify that it's cancerous, and after it is verified proceed to take the entire thyroid out. 

She went on to explain the risks of the surgery: low calcium levels, possibly hurting the vocal chords, which would result in hoarseness or possibly loss of vocal ability. There is also possibility of infection anytime a surgery takes place. OF course, they have to tell you everything that could POSSIBLY happen, so I shouldn't have been surprised. We went ahead and scheduled the big day for Tuesday morning. 

The rest of the week whizzed by with a day at the fair, Chris' birthday, his mom's arrival, and before we knew it, Tuesday was here- our alarm rang this morning at 5:30 AM. 

I just got back from the room I was in with Chris- he is presently being wheeled into surgery and I am presently just trying to make it through these next 3 hours (at least)  without him. While the nurses were getting him prep'd for surgery his blood pressure was a little high, so he was given some relaxation meds. As they started administering the medication through the IV he looked at the nurse and said, "WOW. How fast does this stuff work?" To which the nurse responded with a smile, "Very quickly".  My dad and I chuckled as Chris leaned his head back on the pillow and said " I feel really good right now." I just patted his arm and told him I was happy that he did. I won't disclose too much of what Chris said back there for risk of embarrassing of him, but let's just say I'm pretty positive that he was at peace with the world at that moment :). 

I read a few of our favorite Bible verses to him, and before I knew it the circulation nurse (who will be with him in surgery) and the anesthesiologist were there to take him away. I kissed him and walked quietly back to my seat in the waiting room. 

I am fine. And to my surprise, not one tear has entered my eyes. Maybe I've already cried to all the tears I can, or maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. Either way, the Lord is with me. The Lord is with Chris, and he will protect him. 

I look around and see people, people who I don't know from Adam. People that I have no idea what they're going through or who they have back in surgery at this moment. I hear a TV but have NO desire to watch it. 

My sweet dad has left to go pack the trailer for moving, and Ann just got here to be with me. 

Now- I wait...

Our part in His perfect plan

Cancer: An abnormal growth of cells which tend to proliferate in an uncontrolled way and, in some cases, to metastasize (spread)

This word- this condition- this disease- THIS is what stunned, dumbfounded, and devastated us at about 4:00 Friday afternoon. I had called Christopher earlier on Friday morning to find out if the doctor had called. After hearing that he hadn't and worried that the doctor would've left early because of the holiday weekend, I called the doctor myself which resulted in speaking to his machine. 

I forced myself to wait. I cleaned. I did dishes. I read to Connor. I swept the bathroom. I did a load of laundry. And somewhere in the hustle and bustle of keeping busy, I found time to sit on the couch for just a minute after laying the baby down, and woke up 30 minutes later to my phone vibrating with a call from my husband. 

His voice being a bit raspy from what I knew then to be a sinus infection came on the line, and said "Hey, honey" 

"Hello! Did you hear yet from the doctor?"

"Um..yes."

"...."

"Well... He told me I have cancer. Thyroid Cancer."

*silence* 

"Are you there?" 

"Yes, I'm here..I'm sorry, did you say cancer? Are you serious?"

"Yes"

Chris then went on to explain a few different things that the doctor had told him, which wasn't much because he had been too shocked to write anything down.  I'm not sure how you're supposed to grab a pen and a notepad after being told you've got cancer. At that point, at least from what Chris explained the body feels a bit numb. 

I. was. stunned.

 Chris told me that he was going to call his mom, and I muttered something to the effect of an okay and I'll see you when you get home. It's shameful to say that all of the replies that you'd suppose you have, if you've ever imagined this situation all fly out the door when the statement becomes a reality. I hung up and sat on the couch staring at my phone, snuggled up in our white afghan, with a blank stare. 

I didn't know who to call or what to do first. The next number I dialed (which I guess is an automatic one for me) was my mom. By the time she answered the tears had begun to flow. 

"Chris has cancer, mom" "Thyroid cancer" - a statement that I never imagined saying in my entire life.

After I hung up with her, the day buzzed by. Chris came home, we started hearing from friends, all the while the whole situation feeling a bit surreal. 

How do you react when you find out cancer has invaded your life? How do you act normal, trying to separate yesterday when all was normal from today when you're battling cancer? How do you carry the burden of what you carry now and what you'll have to carry in the future? How do you deal with this terrible word that has unexpectedly jolted our world as we know it.

YOU don't. GOD does. 

This small little bump on Chris thyroid that has proved to be a very real and dangerous enemy was NOT a surprise to God. He was NOT surprised that this 25 year old man with a wife and a son, and plans to leave for the mission field had the biopsy come to him positive for cancer. He is NOT worried, He is NOT shocked by this trial. He IS feeling what we're going through right this very moment. He IS going through this trial with us, and He IS bearing our burden for us. You see, THIS is why God became a man so many years ago.

 This is why He sent His Son to live on this earth. It was not because He was just a good man. It was because our God had to become a man to die for our sins. So Jesus, the Son of God, was born. He lived a sinless life, but yet endured human sorrows and afflictions. After all what was the purpose of God sending His son to this earth to suffer and die if there was another way we (as sinners) could reach Heaven?

No, my friends. There is no other reason. His reason was us. A people that had chosen to reject God from the beginning of time. We were the reason that God sent His only begotten Son to die. 

But that is not the end of the story. The Bible tells us that on the third day, Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and lives for EVER more. He tasted and defeated death. FOR you and me! He loves us that much.

This is why Chris and I are not fretting. Of course we feel anxious about what the future holds, and uneasy at times. But the Lord is with us. He is bigger than this cancer.  We do not feel alone. We're not putting our trust in the doctor's hands, we are not leaning on people to get us through this. We are putting our faith and trust in the ONE who formed our lives in the beginning. The ONE who has a divine plan for our lives as His children, and the ONE who is already at the end of this trial. 

God loves Christopher more than anyone else in this world loves him. The Bible tells us that Jesus "ever liveth to make intercession for us" He is praying for him. He tastes what we're going through. He feels our pain, and He is the ONE that will be praised through this trial.

We're not sure why God allowed this to happen. But, His way is perfect. His plan for our lives is perfect. We don't always have to understand everything that happens. But, we do know that since He does know and cares for us more than any other, that there must be some greater reason for this trial that our minds can't conceive right now. The wonderful thing is that we can trust Him with this. We can trust Him with our lives. He has proven Himself over and over again to us.  He endured the pain of this world, so He could carry His children through the hardships of life. He cried, He felt pain, He felt rejection, He passed through the valley of the shadow of death. He KNOWS  and FEELS what we're going through.

Do you know this Great Physician? He loves you so much that He died for you to forgive your sins. If you could get to Heaven any other way then why did a Holy God have to send His perfect Son to the earth to be crucified? He has paid your way to Heaven. Have you prayed and asked Him to forgive your sin and come into your heart? Have you received His free gift? 

O, how He wants you to. How He loves you. The sweet peace that fills your life, when you let the Lord enter your life is unexplainable. He will change you. He has me. 

Isa 53:4-7 

" Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 

  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. 

 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. "

Heb 4:15 

 "For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin." 

2 Cor. 12:9  

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

This cancer - for now - is our part in His perfect plan

 

This was the day the Lord made..

1:00 AM was the start of my day as it meshed in with the end of yesterday. I didn't expect to have such a hard time sleeping last night but alas, the bags under my eyes prove it to be true. Maybe it was the anxiety over Christopher's tests today, maybe it was the trains that kept coming and going through town, maybe it's my infinite (or so it seems) list of to-do's before we move, or maybe I'm not immune to caffeine as I have suspected. Regardless, having tired eyes and not being able to put your body to sleep is not fun.

As I was shutting my eyes, the alarm rings to bring in the new day. I struggle to get out of bed, wipe my sand-papery eyes, and turn on the coffee pot. I so desperately wanted to grab my pillow and snuggle back into bed in order to shut the rest of the world out for at least 30 more minutes. Didn't happen. 

I realized that time was marching forward and I was not.

I was irritated that I had to sit in a germy, cold waiting room for who knew how long with a 13 month old who has recently found greater independence with walking, and is no longer content to just sit with mom and eat cheerios. 

I walked into Connor's room to wake him and was greeted with a smell that is completely distasteful at any time- but ESPECIALLY morning. As I reached to change him, I was greeted by my sweet boy's morning, tired, just-for-mom smile. My heart melted , for a moment, and then I was back to the grindstone.

The morning wisped by with another dirty diaper, a bowl of oatmeal, packing the diaper bag, doing something with my hair to make it presentable, all the while trying to encourage my hubby who was not doing too well anticipating this test. Who would? 

We made in the car with 20 minutes to go until he had to be at his appointment on the 2nd floor of the hospital. 

The stress started building as we were still waiting to get on the interstate 10 minutes later. Neither of us are speaking, but know exactly what the other one is thinking. (Marriage is great that way :) 

A parking space and 3 dollars later we found ourselves at the receptionist's desk who seemed to not have Chris on her list of patients for the day. 

We both looked at each other with a half-smile, and at that moment I just told myself to breathe. Finally a nice man told the receptionist over the phone that he was expecting us. The relief was huge! This hospital is not exactly a hop, skip and jump away from our home, so it was nice that we didn't have to make the trip over again. 

As they get Chris checked in, Connor stared at him and cried for him all the way down the hall as daddy walked away. They're buds. This was cute also, but still not enough for me to completely relax.

I know what you're probably thinking- she has one kid and she's getting stressed out over sitting in a waiting room??- Well, yes, I definitely was. 

I was nervous about other people in the waiting room, because as everyone knows, Connor isn't exactly the quietiest baby on the block. He loves to be heard-----by everyone. 

I don't like hospitals anyway- never have. I have this subconscious fear of doctor's offices, medical facilities or I hate to say it- doctor's themselves. As I have grown older, I can control it more, but the fear is still somewhat there. 

Connor started complaining to me, very vocally just about 5 minutes after Chris walked back so I reached into my bag and realized I had forgotten ANY type of snacks or Connor's sippy cup. How does this happen?? I guess that's me for ya! 

I started to panic. It was silly of me, and I should've just thought about the fact that it's a hospital which means cafeteria, and vending machines. But, that's what happens when trying to run on a few hour's sleep. 

After the 10th time of pulling Connor over to me, trying to get him interested in something besides the dirty hospital floor, and keeping him from pulling all of the plastic leaves off the fake tree, I was very near to bawling.

That's when it happened- the Lord pricked my heart right then about my bad attitude. I started to look around me and see people. People. People with bigger problems than my son wanting to play with a fake tree. Bigger problems than a husband having a biopsy on a nodule on his thyroid.
I'm not denying that this was a very scary situation, and it definitely would've made it easier to not have Connor at the moment, but the Lord was showing me something. 

A lady with a limp walked in about midway through my crisis and sat next to us. I saw her smile at Connor many times and show more interest then just the casual passer-by. She would hold out her hands as he would walk her direction and then he would decide to come to me.  I would sigh with relief every time he would choose me. After all, how do I know where this woman's been? I don't want her touching MY son! But shortly after these snobby thought subsided, I began to talk to the woman. I found out that she was waiting for an x-ray on her leg for a gunshot wound. As I listened to her talk about her family and realized how broken-hearted she was, I was convicted.

All my petty problems slowly began to dissipate, one by one, as I listened to this woman talk. O sure, Connor was still terrorizing the waiting room, but I suddenly had more patience with him. I realized how blessed I was to have a healthy son , whose family loves him, and is even around for him to get to know as he grows older. I suddenly am thankful, that no matter what the test results say that I have a husband who has been healthy thus far and is not dying with an incurable disease. 

But most of all, my thoughts are directed to my Lord. Without Him, where would I be? What would I have without Him? and what in the world do people do without the sweet peace of the Savior?  You see, I may have troubles and trials on this earth; there may be mountains that arise that I think are unpassable, but the truth is I have a Heavenly Father who created this world. Who created each and every one of us individually in His image and for His glory. The God that controls the universe, who holds it in his hands- this God- the only God is my Heavenly Father. Nothing comes as a shock to Him, from something so big as what's happening in our world today down to something so small as a forgotten sippy cup. 

What was I doing to show the Savior's love at the hospital today? Griping and complaining about sitting in a waiting room for over an hour? Fake-smiling at everyone on the outside but grumbling about my son on the inside? I've found that people can read you a lot more clearly than you think they can. 

I immediately reached for Connor and placed him in this dear lady's lap and let them sit together until she had to go back. I smiled looking on at the situation, and sit now on my comfy couch, thinking how silly I was this morning. Life is so much bigger than little annoyances, but it's through these little things that the Lord seems to show Himself the most. 

Today was the day I learned a little bit more about patience with my little one. Today was the day that I realized, yet again, that my problems are so tiny compared to some people's. Today was the day I would hope that I was an encouragement to a sweet lady who was such an encouragement to me. And most of all:  THIS was the day the Lord made, and at the end of it, I rejoiced and was GLAD in it.